Walking Through Negotiations

It’s been a while or you’re going to your first con or play party, and you’re making plans to do so many fun scenes, but how do you create the scene you want so everyone involved is safe and has fun? We negotiate, of course! Having a conversation with your partner(s) are the best way to get what you want and understanding more about limits, risks and *informed consent. All of these questions should be asked and answered by each person participating. A one sided response leaves too many plot holes and can lead to accidents or *consent violations.

Glossary below for definitions.

What kind of play do you want to engage in?

This can be anything from impact, rope, sex, humiliation, and more. This helps narrow down what types of questions you should ask, though many of them can cross over.

What is your experience in ____ play?

Asking their experience level is important to know what activities are in your partner’s skillset and also what levels of risk you are willing to try when doing something brand new. *Vetting is always an option if you would like an outside opinion before playing. Vetting is recommended pre-negotiations but following up post-negotiations for more specific info is also very okay!

What is the goal? How do you want to feel?

Now that you know what kind of play you want to do, you need to figure out the core of this scene. Is this an interrogation scene? Are you hoping for some sexy times? Designating how you want to feel is an excellent start to figuring out the goal. The goal could be laughter and feeling light, or it could be to feel small and safe. When you figure that out, asking “How do I/you get to that place?”

What helps redirect you if we veer into something not discussed or part of the goal?

This is another important question to ask, as both bottom AND top. Some people want a serious scene and be truly dominated, but laughter can break the head space. Some may want something lighthearted but feel tears welling up with impact, rope, or sex. The first piece is self awareness (especially if playing with someone new) and recognizing when you’re falling away from the headspace you want; that can mean playing at 75% with more check-ins. A hand on the back of the neck, a hug, or a silly quip are a few ways to redirect.

What are your likes, dislikes, and *hard limits?

These are to help with specifics and should be talked about as individual categories. This includes what type of toys are used, placement, feelings, actions, *risk profile, etc.

Example: Likes: thuddy impact, hair pulling, feet tickling

Dislikes: drool, foot pain, waist rope

Hard limits: Degradation, piss play, baby talk

There are few wrong ways to list these things and don’t be shy to be specific! Knowledge is power and being in sync is awesome!

Do you have any emotional, verbal, or physical triggers?

Engaging in a scene tends to hold a lot of emotional weight, whether the scene is lighthearted or intense. Anyone, top or bottom, can have triggers. Sometimes it’s a body spot that should not be touched or hit, sometimes it’s a word or phrase that brings you back to a dark time, or you have anxiety and having your hands tied makes you panic. All of these, and more, are 100% valid and should be shared with your partner. Please know, you don’t have to explain why this trigger exists, but for your safety and wellbeing, sharing the trigger itself is very important. It’s also worth noting what to do if you get triggered unintentionally/unexpectedly- if the top suddenly goes into a panic attack and you’re tied up, you should call the dungeon *safeword (typically “red”) or call for a Dungeon Monitor (DM).

What safewords do you like to use?

Typical safewords are used in a color system: Green for all good, Yellow for immediate check in, Blue for tears or big emotions, Red for no more or end the scene entirely. These are the most widely and commonly used safewords, but if there are specific things you know you say in a scene, it’s best to clarify. “Stop” or “wait” are perfectly acceptable , though you might need to check about “No” or “This hurts” especially if you’re doing a scene with the intention of causing pain.

What are some signals to use if you go nonverbal?

Going nonverbal (or being in a predicament that makes speaking difficult) can be unexpected so it’s best to be prepared, just in case. This can be in the form of tapping out, hand squeezing, or letting go of a designated object that’s kept in your hand. It should also be discussed if you or your partner should continue or stop if anyone goes nonverbal in a scene. Sometimes a hand squeeze can be a fluid way of checking in on your partner to not disrupt a scene; squeeze and release could mean everything is good and squeezing tight without a release means a more direct check in.

Is there anything about your health history they should know that can impact this scene?

This can include allergies, current or past injuries, recovery sites, epilepsy, asthma, diabetes, high/low blood pressure, iron deficiencies, hypermobility, nerve damage, mental health history, sexual health history….. Listing these when asking can help your partner determine if something is worth bringing up or not. It also allows informed consent in the event there is a condition or disability that could go awry with the type of play being done. Sometimes further information or research is all that’s needed, but don’t be a dick about these things that could determine whether or not you are compatible.

Is there anything I should know that I didn’t already ask?

This is a really important question that should be included in the absolute bare minimum of negotiations. Sometimes questions or notations slip through the cracks of even the most thorough of negotiations, so if there is something your top/bottom should know, please share it with them. Being bratty is fun, but this is not the time or place to withhold information.

Important note: Do not add anything new mid-scene.

When you play, you are activating many parts of the brain to process pleasure and pain and adrenaline which increases your endorphin levels. Many times, this endorphin release causes Top High and Sub Space. People can get over excited and want to add a new toy, touch an area that’s not been discussed, or inflict pain in a special way, but it’s important to stop before acting on any of those. When people are experiencing the endorphin increase, it can be similar to inebriation with alcohol or drugs, and much like consensual sex, a drunk yes is actually a no unless discussed in advance. In the moment, it is easy for things to be a yes, but in reflection can be a no with a clear mind. To avoid consent violations or accidents, add what you’d like to do to a list you can check in with them about on a different day.

What does *aftercare look like to you?

This is another important question that both tops and bottoms should answer and reflect on… Yes, tops can need aftercare too! For some, aftercare is being wrapped in a blanket and snuggling with their top/bottom or designated aftercare person. Others enjoy talking and processing how the scene went for them over a snack and hydration. Aftercare can look different depending on the type of scene that was had; if you did a psycho-sadism scene, the top might need to be reminded they’re not a horrible person for being so mean. Aftercare for a rope scene might be stretching and massages, top or bottom. Some have similar methods and others are completely unique to you.

When or how do you experience *drop?

Depending on the person, drop happens immediately, not at all, or even a few days later. This can look like shaking, crying, immense sadness, irritability, or questioning all of your life choices and is the result of actual brain science! When people drop, it’s because the endorphin chemical levels have dropped from 100% back down to your daily average. Many people will set up social events or quiet time to reflect or help ease them back to their baseline.

What’s the best way to reach you for a check in after our scene?

Because drop looks so different based on the person and type of scene, checking in the next day after play and a few days later are vital. A lot of processing can happen and some things need to be talked about further: If an injury was caused, Big Feels from specific actions or words, etc. If you only just met, exchanging phone numbers or Fetlife handles should be done prior to the scene to avoid forgetting. Tops and bottoms alike should be responsible for checking in or reaching out so designate who will reach out, and if they haven’t yet, go ahead and send that first message. Maybe they’re experiencing drop and are struggling or something came up that prevented them from messaging… Regardless, don’t sit and wait; be proactive!

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This is a rough list of what all parties involved should answer. For some of these, you might not have the answers yet, and it’s good to be clear in saying so. “My aftercare needs change based on how the scene went so I’m not sure what I will need just yet. Can I tell you what I need when we get there with the option of changing my mind?” If you’re connecting with the right people, they should be okay with readjusting to your needs. If someone talks down or refuses to respect certain aspects, they’re likely a person you want to stay away from. If you’ve been communicating with your partner prior to the event, a check-in right before you start a scene or play is great just in case anything has changed since the last time you communicated. This could be to confirm or remind what you agreed upon or to make any changes necessary; this also includes how the other player is feeling and where their headspace is at, as it definitely plays a role in how your experience will be shaped!

Remember, this is not the only way to negotiate or the only questions you should ask or be aware of. With practice and active participation, you might come up with your own unique lists to cater towards each fun thing you do. For your convenience, the questions listed above are posted in a comment below to save to your notes so you can refer to them when it’s time to negotiate.

What are some questions you ask in your negotiations?

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Glossary

Scene: BDSM activities with a distinct beginning and end

Informed consent: All parties involved have negotiated and are aware of the risks involved

Consent violation: A purposeful disregard or breach of someone’s boundaries

Consent accident: A breach of boundaries or consent through unintentional means, such as, miscommunication or a misinterpretation of responses

Vetting: To make a careful and critical examination of someone or something. To investigate thoroughly in order to ensure they have the required personality, trustworthiness, and/ loyalty

Risk profile: a way of describing the types, severity, and likelihood of various risks and how they relate to your willingness to participate in certain activities

Hard limits: An activity that a person won’t do and cannot be further negotiated.

Safeword: An agreed upon word or phrase that anyone can say during a scene to checking or stop the activity or session immediately

Aftercare: The emotional or physical support given at the end of a scene

Drop: The physical or emotional exhaustion that takes place after a scene, often cause by brain chemical changes from activation of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system

*Some definitions have various meanings depending on origin and experience. Some definitions may not be updated or reflect NEMA’s point of view but hopefully will help in further understanding.

Negotiation Questions:

What kind of play do you want to engage in?

What is your experience in ____ play?

What is the goal? How do you want to feel?

What helps redirect you if we veer into something not discussed or part of the goal?

What are your likes, dislikes, and *hard limits?

Do you have any emotional, verbal, or physical triggers?

What safewords do you like to use?

What are some signals to use if you go nonverbal?

Is there anything about your health history they should know that can impact this scene?

Is there anything I should know that I didn’t already ask?

What does *aftercare look like to you?

When or how do you experience *drop?

What’s the best way to reach you for a check in after our scene?

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Please refer any questions to the mentorship email: ne.mentorship@gmail.com